I’m….

by Ambareesh Sr Ja

(The following words were an experiment-a solo typa-thon. So reader, please forgive in the name of – Artistic License? The ‘Jack’ reference is from the Brad Pitt-Ed Norton starring blockbuster ‘Fight Club’)

Dreams.Dreams. Ever loved something so much, that it almost hurts you? Obsession. Possession. Lust. Nothing, nothing seems to make sense to me right now. I feel this sudden urge to pour out some words. There is no shore in sight. I’m lost and by God, feel abandoned. Words. Not even sentences, am I disturbed? Am I redundant? Why, why else? Should I not stop and think? Isn’t that what the world wants from me? Why do I scare myself to believe in superstitions? Why is there something to always check me off? Why am I afraid? I no longer dwell in pre-historic jungles where adrenalin helps me survive. Where sabre toothed creatures roamed the wild. I dare not even look at the screen right now. Because it is almost as if I’m drugged. I don’t care. Maybe it is the inspired self.Ha.Smirk.I’m Jack’s complete note of dismay.

Maybe it is the joy of watching a good movie and connecting with it. I’d love to mention everything that runs through me now, but alas I can’t find the right words. Forget ‘right’, I can’t even spell the ones that I hear in my head right now. All I see before me are letters. Letters and nothing else.  Maybe this is the moment. Where nothing else in life matters. All the suffering, all the pain. Everything becomes insignificant. Maybe even I if I yell out to the world that I’m a golden God, maybe if all the worlds’ riches come in my fist, maybe … No. Never. I don’t need anything. I just need this moment to last. Maybe this is what they feel when they are all high. Ha.Smirk.I’m Jack’s complete sense of inexperience.

But I am not high. I am not even sure where the backspace key is Goddamnit! But then there are a lot of things that I know not of. Start with the basis of life- love. What is to be ‘in love’? What is this gift from God that keeps us together? Keeps us sane? Makes you cringe when is withdrawn? Subject for the greatest works of art, music and literature? Why is it different for everyone?  Why is it so… so unclear and ironically painful at times? Why are there no rules? I am so out of focus right now. Should I stop? I don’t feel like stopping, man! But if I keep on going, wouldn’t you judge me? Isn’t there anywhere I can go, where I shall not hear that dull thud, when I know that I need to push myself more? Now you think I’m crazy.Ha.Smirk.I’m Jack’s complete lack- of- shit- I- give- to- what- you- think.

What is it to be good? When will I be good enough? And for whom? For you? For me? Or is it all the same? What is it in us that wants us to be appreciated? Why is there a need of recognition? Aren’t the “rock stars” human too? Why are they special? Aren’t they normal people with similar ambitions, dreams, hopes and god forbid- fears? Why then, why? Why do I want to be one of them? Aren’t they just talented people- not always the best people- just talented in one bloody thing that they do? Why do we crave for all of this? Why do possessions possess us? Why is this becoming a pot- pourri of questions? No they don’t disturb me.Ha.Smirk.I’m Jack’s complete state of confusion.

I am no philosophical badass. I am just a runaway thinker. And I don’t care. I need to stop; this isn’t doing me any good. Oh no, but I’ll publish this one day. When…… when I am courageous enough.

Maybe this last line ^ yes the one above, will almost halt or delay, this seeing daylight. But then who cares. Right now, I can almost feel the glow of the world. The life in me.

I am alive. And practically this shouldn’t have been the happiest of times either. Yet here I am. Blessed, and in bliss.

I’ll just enjoy the moment and let everyone go by- walk by me, to the mundane. Ha.Smirk. I’m bloody Jack. Finally.

Amen.

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