Emotional Graphics (Unadulterated)

by Ambareesh Sr Ja

07-05-2013

2200 Hrs

The pointlessness of being an inspired douche bag 11 hours before an exam, which requires probably all the horsepower of a supercomputer (read Engineering Graphics) is slowly dawning upon me. “Maybe the protagonist should have started studying a bit earlier”- did I hear you say? Nay, where in the world is that fun? But contrary to popular opinion, the so-called thrill of living on the edge doesn’t seem quite appealing to me right now. Screwed up grades are no indicators of personality or intelligence, however. Yours truly, and his friends shall surely vouch for that. Singers, musicians, footballers – you name it, I shall give it to you all.  Stop to think and this flow of words shall end, and these are in no way to be recorded for follow up readings. After all, who am I kidding? I am in no dire need of being hired as the next big Chetan Bhagat. I’m not really fond of that guy- sugar coating it- and I am not even jealous. Earning millions he might be, but advertising ‘shaadi.com ‘is not exactly cool, mate. Apologies. Darn! Before you, O disheartened reader, point out that I’ve deviated from the topic; let me assure you that I haven’t. I am planning to come back to it, very soon, read on.

A dozen months ago, probably when I was in one of those moods, when thoughts seems  to float around clutching on to nothing solid , yet disconcerting you; in one of these moods-  I decided to plan my future. Oh yes, become a billionaire, genius, philanthropist and get a Nobel too on the way- Iron man in short. Then came up the means of doing it- getting bitten by a spider seemed too mainstream, getting my parents killed by a random robber in a dark alley seemed too cruel, waiting for aliens seemed plausible, but I was too impatient. Nah, these would need copious amounts of hard work later, which let’s all be honest here, I was too occupied to indulge in later. So why not be normally normal? Conventionally conventional? Give this heat- oppressed brain some rest? Become a fadoo engineer?  Forget it all, come what may, let’s go! I joined in for the rat race- engineer hi banthe hein yaar, chal! Likhte hein entrances!

Roads frequently travelled, when rode upon with determination, leads one to salvation. The words may sound too uppity, but they are true- not just honestly, but proudly speaking. It took me about 3 precious years of my unwarranted life; but I made it to the hallowed portals of a beautiful, green, sunlit and wave washed(metaphorically) college, which by now, I’ve made my home away from home. Gloat I shall not, but glow with pride I shall; when I speak in praise of this place.

I made friends, a lot of them- maybe a smile helped, I care not- it was genuine. Cultural, linguistic, gender borders were irrelevant; almost transparent. A world of people so diverse in their tastes, interests, choices – Yet so united in their differences- we come together to represent this country. It wasn’t perfect and I know it shall never be, but it was a start. I’m out in this big world where I’m learning that the decisions I make give me the results they deserve. Outlooks, perspectives, opinions -everything changed. Rewards never seemed appealing if given forth in a glittering wrapper of obviousness- no; they had to be perfect, and for this I needed to earn them, everywhere, every time. Punishments were dealt out without mercy and here too I wasn’t favoured for or against. But I did learn a lot, a fair lot.

I do realise that this is probably the last phase in my life were my only responsibility in life would be to be- myself. In that regard, should I blame my luck, my stars, and my pedigree for not giving me the right genes? If that doesn’t sound ridiculous, then you need to check your faculties of reasoning. Though that is what we were all doing! Though I’ve no idea when this monologue became a dialogue between, God knows who and who; I shall not blame you for feeling awe-uninspired. [I’m following right in the footsteps of Mr Shakespeare (funny name eh?) making up mighty words on my own. Don’t doubt my authenticity though, I’m true spoken. A little pretentious maybe, but bloody honest] Coming back.

If this is a mere representation of life to follow, I wonder, shall this be a template for my life or shall it be just a mere starting point? Being one, who doesn’t have much to share from his inglorious past; I shall not dwell in vain, in it. But if each phase of my life is to be reconsidered, carefully examined and put back like a card castle, I don’t think many would call me sane. Again in retrospect, no one is normal. At least all of us have different sense or measuring scales of normalcy. For example -You might think that Justin Bieber beats Michael J’son in terms of fan following, but I shall not let you complete your lines of argument, without a right hook to your temple; unless you are a girl; in which case you shall have a vision of the most explicit expression of disgust. Mind you, my autocorrect suggested ‘barber’ when I typed Bieber-and I almost….

Never mind. But, yeah I’m feeling much better after pouring out these. Was I frustrated? Am I not still a bit on the defensive? But the orifice this provided – it was like shouting at the top of my voice to the universe- condescending, ranting, complaining, judging, blaming – it helped. Maybe not much, but it surely did. I shall smile and keep smiling , because a score years from now, looking back I shall not remember screwing up an exam, but sitting in a well lit, air-conditioned hall surrounded by people I care about and writing this. That right there; has proved to be the high point of this day.

Strict parents raise sneaky children, a judgemental society raises uncivilized citizens well hidden behind masks of decency, and bottled up emotions create short tempered volcanoes. Do I want to be one? Maybe, maybe not. I am past caring now. I am at peace. I don’t have a plan. I don’t even look like a man with a plan (HL), but I’ve decided upon what to do, though it involves 8 hours of slumber. But am I scared? Oh no never. I’m staring at you- Life, exactly like I promised – unabashed. Lite-might be the word.

*****

Come tomorrow and Life- bring forth whatever you can. Curve balls, ghosts of apprehension, moments of self doubt. We don’t care. We just don’t. Because you have nothing to threaten us with, for we’ve survived this moment, lived off today in all its mirth and pain. Because we’ve lived in the moment, giving it our all. And we shall keep doing so. I feel free to be happy now, for I’m. More smiles all around. Curtains.

*****

This is my life and I shall keep living it – second by second…..tick tock, tick tock, tick tock….

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Credits – Zenith Karri. Check out all his brilliant work at http://www.facebook.com/zenithkarri

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